Hello whoever is reading this! Truthfully, I'm not expecting much visitors to this section of the busy internet world but honestly, that's perfect for my visions for this blog. Before this, I was using Tumblr as a means to vent but I no longer use it. I don't want this blog to only be a place of venting though, I plan to also talk about the sorts of things that I am interested in. Nobody will listen to them so I might as well pretend I have an audience, right? I'm not planning to share this with any of my friends as I prefer the anonymity I have here. That being said I don't mean I intend to use this as a way to shit talk them but I would rather this blog be read by people like you, voyagers of the internet!
So, this first post is will sort of be an introductory one. Hi, I am actively deteriorating all of my personal relationships. Why? I wish I had an answer to that, one that isn't bullshit. But simply, maybe deep down I think I don't deserve any of them. I love my friends but I feel they would be much happier without me. So, to that end, I've essentially been ghosting them. This isn't the first time I've done this, I ghosted all of my high school friends a year after graduation. The difference between then and now is that before I wasn't myself around my previous group of friends. I was constantly trying to be someone I wasn't and hide my passions around them. My current group of friends are people who know about these passions I've hidden before and embrace me for who I am. With that being said it's still hard for me to be completely open with most of them. So, I still feel like most of them don't really know me. Still, they are the best friends I have ever had and I love and appreciate them so much. If that's the case, why am I actively burning these bridges? Well, depression mixing with covid-19 induced depression is a deadly toxin. I was already in such a mess prior to the pandemic, only being propelled by the overwhelmingness of my life. However, when the pandemic took away all of the things I did to keep me busy - Needless to say, I lost it. I no longer do the things that once made me happy. I no longer write poetry (which has been a huge part of my identity for the past four years - hence the name), I no longer stream on twitch (Have a ton to say about this platform but it has led me to my current group of friends and all the amazing people in my life), and I no longer write music. Streaming was something I did four times a week every week for two years up until July 2020. When I first started streaming I felt nothing but anxiousness that only went away once I hit the live button. Eventually, it went away but sometime in the summer, it came back. Before, I never took a single stream off unless there were certain circumstances preventing me from doing so. But then I grew more and more anxious about streaming, both before a stream and during one. I would actively dread days leading up to a stream and the hours before one. I would be afraid of people continuing to mock my intelligence which is something I believe has contributed to my want to no longer stream. It had become very common in my community for people to insult my intelligence and make fun of me, everyone is a lovely person but it just became the running joke. Other running jokes believed I had a vore and foot fetish and they honestly made me cry. These things probably sound like my experience streaming has been terrible but no, these are just some of the negatives out of the many, many, many wonderful things that have happened to me because of it. I made a discord server shortly after streaming and it became such a wonderful and active tight-knit community of lovely people. I loved hanging out and speaking to everyone every day of my life. They were, and are, my friends. My most trusted group of people. However, this year has caused me to grow estranged from them. This is my doing as I have been isolating myself but also... being on discord has only made me more and more anxious as this year has progressed. To the point that I no longer am around in my community or even on them platform itself for days at a time. As of today, I haven't been online since last Sunday.